CREATE is a Page for Sharing my Passion,
Vulnerabilities, and Creative Expression
Journal Entries, Short Stories, and Creative Writing
Mon 4 March 2019
He was once all you could think about. Now his name only crosses your mind in the most unexpected moments, like when you walk past the cafe you had your first date. It's too painful to reflect on the night you met or the days spent together frolicking in the summer sun, and staying up late watching Netflix movies by his side. Your memories of the two of you together, a picture perfect couple, are as distant as his voice. You don't wonder what or who he's thinking about or what he's doing right now. You leave it behind. You try to let go of the pain he caused you, but you still question whether he was lying about his feelings to you the entire time. Was his love for you as fake as he is to other people? Were you just another smart, beautiful girl to him? He's probably telling all his intrigued school friends that what you had together was simply a summer fling and a chance to get laid. He's like that on the surface.
He likes to put a label on the people he cares about and the experiences he's had. He used to showcase you as being "his girl." To him, you were his. Most girls your age would fall head over heels when an attractive guy like him puts a claim on them. It makes them feel special; worthy of being loved. You're different though. You felt like this label and possessive mentality was reducing you to mere property. You felt objectified. You value wholeness in one's self rather than ownership of one another.
You felt like he wanted you as his girlfriend to boost his self esteem and in fluctuate his masculine pride. He wasn't always controlled by his ego. He was kind and sensitive. He opened up to you about his struggles. He covers his true nature to so many to avoid being hurt. Without even knowing it, his numbness to the world was hurting him. He wore a mask to hide his true self from others; a mask that created fear and intimidation in them.
He was different around you. Open. Honest, for the most part. It scared you when he would shut off from his emotions or play victim to his life. He entrusted you with some of his most hidden secrets and insecurities. He claimed you were the first person he'd ever truly opened up to, and the first girl he'd said "I love you" to. Even if there's a possibility that you do discover his statements were false, you know deep down that he loves you. He felt safe to be his genuine self around you. You brought out his realness. He was terrified of that. He even admitted how afraid he was of love, which helped you further understand why he chose to be numb.
He's fake, mostly. He doesn't want to risk showing his true colours in fear that he'll get hurt or judged. He had a fascination with your positive energy and optimistic outlook on life. He told you he was mesmerised by your blue eyes, and even though it seems cliché it was coming from his heart. You later discovered that he rarely gave you eye contact because he felt awkward when he knew you were looking.
He fell in love with your radiance and rawness. He couldn't understand how you could be so confident and strong in yourself, because he'd spent his entire life struggling with the lack of everything you represented. You didn't understand him either. You dished out help and eventually became drained. He wouldn't listen.
It was difficult to communicate with him, as his way of coping with feeling overwhelmed was to shut out the world, and so he stopped talking to you.
He ran away from himself. Locked the doors. Blocked his ears. Switched off his phone. Your patience had run dry. You couldn't handle not knowing what was going on. He wasn't committing to his promises of being a lover to you. He had given up, and no help you were giving would make it into his closed off mind. Your heart was breaking. Pain was tearing through the seams of your sun kissed skin.
You were melting into a puddle of despair and disrespect. Without a moments notice, you ended the relationship that had run deeper than all the superficial, teenage bullshit; A relationship that had embodied such an intense connection from the moment you'd reached your hand out for his old fashioned handshake. You broke up with him. You broke his heart, so to speak. Now he pretends like he doesn't care. He doesn't respond to your messages or call you, or reply to the apology letter you sent in the mail. He's not ready to face the truth. He's hiding his feelings and going against it all. He won't tell anyone about all the times you cried in each other's arms or how you felt at home there. You were two kids in love.
You had spent so much time trying to convince him how amazing he is, and that he's so much more than average. He didn't believe you. He couldn't conjure up the strength to believe in himself. You decided to let him do what he needs to do, and hold no attachment to his actions in an attempt to hurt you or grab your attention. He'll start dating someone new as an effort to make you jealous, but in reality you'll be hoping to the heavens that he treats this girl better. This new girl won't bother you. There's no need to compare yourself to someone you've never met, but he'll be selfishly comparing her to you. He'll secretly be wishing that it was you holding his hand, or hoping for the day you'd walk by with your amazing smile glued to your face. He'll wish he could get lost in your eyes, or melt under your seductive power, once again staring at your goddess of a body calved by angels.
He'll fall into his usual patterns and weekly routine, while you get on with your life too. Maybe one day he'll reach out. Maybe you'll start a friendship, but it will be dangerous for the both of you. Emotions will be flying all over the place. It's risky business. You risked it all for him when you were together, after all. You did it because you wanted him to see meaning in his life, and because you loved him. He'll realise his wrong doings one day, but by then you will have forgiven and forgotten about him. You'll carry on with your own dreams. You won't hold onto the past no matter how magical memories can be. You'll be focussed on the present and your future ambitions. You won't be concerned about a boy who fell in love with you at first kiss. A kiss he asked permission for, doubting you'd allow it. It happened, and now you're here. It's over, but you'd never have known this story if he'd never asked.
Journal Entry #1
Mon 18 March 2019
I didn't come into this life with wealth or status.
I didn't come into this life to have it all handed to me.
I came into this life knowing I would need to fight for what I love without the expectation of it being given to me so easily.
I wasn't born into a perfect world. I wasn't born perfect either.
I came into existence with so much love that maybe one day it will pour into the lives around me, curing the world of fear and disconnection.
I came here to give love to others and shine brightness into people's lives.
I was born into this world to learn about love and strive for the abundance I'd never felt familiar with. I will learn about how money and power can
help me thrive, without feeding my ego, and accept that it will take
much effort, resilience and many mistakes to reach my goals.
I am gradually growing into the person I've always been; a bright beacon of joy.
Money, materialism, and status is not my purpose.
I am here to love, not hide from it.
Live with More INTENT
Mon 18 March 2019
Why is it so important to set weekly INTENTIONS ??
I love writing out my goals or little things I want to accomplish through out my week so I have a clear guide and a positive way of directing my energy to the places I want to grow and change for the better. Life becomes so much more clearer when I do intention setting, and by truly focusing on the areas I want to enforce healthier habits in I am much more fulfilled, happy, and confident in myself. I feel so grateful and happy when I live in alignment with my values and passions.
Some little goals I have set for myself for the upcoming week are all focussed around making CONSCIOUS choices.
I want to create healthier habits for myself, and a more balanced lifestyle.
~Breathe. Be present. Surrender to the calm~
I set this intention because in the past I have gotten very overwhelmed with stress and found it difficult to let go of expectations on how I thought I should be experiencing life rather than realising that where I am right now is more than
ENOUGH, and that I am enough just as I am. I was too focused on future fantasies and wanting to be somewhere that I viewed as better than my current situation. Now I sit in gratitude for where and who I am today, without causing myself too much worry of a future that doesn’t exist yet. It can be frightening trying to figure out how I’m going to create the life of my dreams, but now I’ve realised that the more I enjoy what’s happening right now and do the inner work, the more I will attract the opportunities, people, and experiences I want as apart of my life.
Setting intentions is an important way for me to remember that taking little steps will help lead me in the right direction. Keep in mind, that you are exactly where you need to be right now. You can not change your past, so don’t hold onto the bad events, learn from them instead, and you can most definitely create your future. Everything you do in this moment creates momentum for your future reality. Choose carefully. Save your energy for the things you truly desire. Keep going, no matter how tough life seems right now. You can do anything you desire. You are limitless when you believe in yourself.
Ways to Get More GROUNDED #1
Thurs 14 March 2019
The FOODS we consume hold energy.
Replace highly refined and manufactured, processed foods with high vibrational, organic and fresh foods straight from the earth itself. Organic plant matter (fruit, vegetables, legumes, etc) holds a higher vibration and healthier balance in PH compared to a chocolate chip cookie or a piece of steak (which are highly acidic for the body), for instance.
Foods that come straight from the ground, such as vegetables grown and raised in fertile soil, sunshine and clean water, help create a balanced digestive system, stronger immunity, and ground your being when consumed in balanced amounts, and mostly eaten raw or slow cooked without added oils.
"We are what we eat" is a direct correlation to, "Let food be thy medicine," as the more we nourish our bodies through conscious consumption, the more grounded and centered we will become within ourselves. You must nurture your inner space before you can attract the love and abundance you truly desire to show up externally. Become very aware of what types of foods, and how much water you consume throughout the day. Tune into how your body feels and your changing mood when you eat different foods. Learn to eat intuitively, and adapt to a diet that sustains and activates a higher vibration.
Let's Be Real
Sun 17 Feb 2019
Do you ever get tired of trying to be someone you’re not? Let down your guard for once. Take the heavy weight of expectations off your chest. You shouldn’t worry about being perfect all the time. No one is ever perfect.
There will be moments when life is an absolute mess and you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. There will be moments where you think you’ve got it all figured out, and moments later when it feels like you’re so lost in it all. You don’t need to live up to other people’s standards or live by society’s rules. You don’t need to pretend anymore. Be you. Don’t worry about what people will think or say when you be yourself, because they’re already judging you for hiding. Set that wild soul of yours free. Life is full of ups and downs, but the more you listen to who you are deep inside, the more ups will come your way. You are real, not perfect.
Tues 12 Feb 2019
Oh how you’ve grown
You’re not alone
The seeds are sewn
It’s time to let go
Shine shine shine
Let your love shine, baby
Shine shine shine
Let it all out, baby
You’ve got this, baby.
My School Experience
Fri 25 Jan 2019
School. Apparently we are required to sit in class five days a week to help us towards our bright futures. Fair enough, but in all honesty, I don’t believe the school system does a very good job at that.
We all have different learning styles and passions which the system barely caters for. The system attempts to mould us into who we should be, not who we are. We’re just another number, another empty vessel to dumb down and stress out.
I don’t feel like a respected person when I’m there. I feel unimportant and un-welcomed because who I truly represent doesn’t suit their limited categories.
It’s not an environment that I look forward to going back to in a couple of weeks; I may be slightly excited for the social aspect, but even that’s distorted in school. The social hierarchy can really bring down a person’s self esteem or raise them up to be ‘the best,’ the most favourable. There are so many people I’ve talked to who are too scared to approach certain students, merely because they’re classified as ‘popular.’ They’re just humans, that somehow are deemed to be more exclusive or better than the ones around them. What a load of twisted bullshit, but we still give in to that.
I’ve attended four different schools and been to several kindergartens growing up. I mostly felt stuck, suffocated, suppressed.
My days are wasted away and my mind is drained after a day of being treated like a mindless zombie; you may not resonate with anything that I’m saying and come up with excuses of why I’m wrong, but this is my experience and what I’ve noticed about the school system.
I never really fit in, a part from the one school where fitting in wasn’t required. This primary school allowed me to grow as an INDIVIDUAL and stand out. It was a place where equality was highly valued, and each other’s differences were accepted and embraced.
It was a safe space for creative expression, community and play.
We independently learned at our own pace, but also included other kids into our education. I don’t remember there being an bullying or dramatic disputes; it was peaceful and inclusive here.
This is where I was free; free to be me.
Barefoot, free choice of dress- no specific uniform, intuitively choosing our own lunch breaks, studying outside, working alongside teachers that saw us as more than children.
It was where I tapped into my authentic self and had the confidence to write, direct, and act in a play with my friends and fellow classmates- 9 year old me was so proud of myself.
I have so many amazing memories from my first primary school. I will always cherish the authentic and fun friendships I was so heart broken to leave behind when I moved to Western Australia. I remember building cubbies and tipis, painting with easels, taking trips to nearby parks as an entire school, drawing with my classmates from different year groups (age wasn’t seen as a limitation), climbing trees, playing imaginary games, going on adventures around the school yard, reading, creating, and especially loving excursions like the time I went to Valentino’s fashion show up in Brisbane.
I loved learning and wanted to go to school every day so I didn’t miss out on any project or new assignment.
This is how I view schools need to be, especially if we want to prepare the next generation for the ‘real world.’ We need to support their unique abilities and talents, nourish their journeys, and create a world of conscious leaders and individuals.