All I Am
All I Am- A Poem of Letting Go
Written by Nirah Celeste
All I am is a convenience to you.
You only see me when it’s convenient to.
Our time together is rushed, and encounters are few.
I’ve fine dined with the blind more times than we’ve rendezvoused.
I’m the pretty girl you come to play with in bed and fuck over in the head. Your problems are draining. Your games are hardly entertaining. I’m exhausted by your constant self shaming, petty complaining, victim gaining, “poor me” portraiture framing.
All I am saying is that I’m over your excuses and verbal undervaluing of all the people you’ve been blaming.
Your little stories are melodramatic and your white lies are emotionally manipulating. I’m sick of all your hating. I’m relieved we’re no longer dating. Please stop trying to reel me back in; I won’t fall for your pathetic baiting. You’re fowl mouthed, insecurely proud, and I will not settle under the roof of the mundane madness you have housed. You only show up when your ego can be doused. You only appear when you’re searching for a friend to be your councillor without actually taking on advice which could potentially turn around your life. You discard the lessons you could be learning from and pretend that you have no problems to deal with, putting yourself into even more strife. You’re faker than the big breasted girls who pay to go under the knife.
And so, you display all your dogshit worries and awfully ear splitting issues, not listening to anything I have to say, presenting preserved falsehoods and candied coated cries for love, leading my heart further astray. You plug up your empty void with an attitude of someone half annoyed. You’re filled with fears that you avoid to face. My ears are filled with noise by the time you leave me, and somehow your existence barely leaves a tangible trace.
Once you’re finally gone again I can free up the space of which your smothering speakings are sadly still interlaced. You weren’t concerned about the feelings of those involved, numbing your own to be more bold, because you think disconnecting will help your problems dissolve. You seem to believe that hate is less painful than love, which in reality is in fact not the case. That mentality will not assist you in resolving this complex maze.
You came along, long enough to have your taste. The air of your struggles is thicker than toothpaste. Your anxiety is stressful for me in itself; your mumble jumble thoughts are too fast paced. I’d rather sleep with the devil than continue to see the malicious side of you I have been graced. My angels are steering me in another direction; I am willingly following their signs as the past is being defaced.
All I was, was a minor detail in your master plan.
All I was, was a delicately placed piece in your self entitled timeline.
All I was, was nurturing and patient; I was never unkind.
All I was, was naïve and blind.
I say was, because I no longer give you permission to waste my valuable time.
I say was, because being a convenience to you was never fine.
I relinquish that role by replacing it with respect; by replanting a seed that is my birthright. The power is mine.
Now I choose a mind that is sound. I do indeed stand my own ground for many realisations have come to my attention that are quite profound. I have been swimming below the depths, and will not return from the peace I have found.
My wounds are healing. My cuts have been bound.
The scars you’ve marked on my heart will not always be around.
I am someone greater than you know. I deserve compassion and carried out support to help me grow.
You cannot hurt me anymore. My boundaries are boarded up; my answer is no.
I will not participate in your self-centred circus show.
The purging and purification process has begun. I am letting you and your black and white bullshit go.
There’s new life being breathed into my lungs. Your foolish attempts to hold onto me are rising like the revolting stench of cow dung. Fresher love is filtering into the air. I am opening the window for someone new to enter my life, someone who will actually care.
I deserve to be with someone who makes the time to get to know me, and puts in the effort to see me fully as I am, for all I am.